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die

Apparently

Posted on 2005.09.19 at 10:24
The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

die

I hate it

Posted on 2005.08.10 at 21:07
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
I hate every concept of you. You lead me to believe things that aren't true. I find myself working towards goals that will never be accomplished all because of you. You think that you can act like you want me but then tell me about other girls. I try to be content with just being your friend, but it seems harder and harder every time you're not around. I can't be so pleasent to you just for you to blow me off. I do everything for you and you don't even seem to notice. So if I snap at you once, you get all butt-hurt and can't understand why. I am frustrated and I just can't shit from you without giving some back. It hurts me to hurt you but I can't see myself saying sorry because I'm really not. I am dead inside when you aren't around me but you don't give me a second look even if I am. I'm sick of not being able to keep you out of my mind and out of my heart. How can I tell you that there is nothing more I have ever wanted. I can't talk to you and ask you how you feel, I don't want to ruin what we already have. Every time I anticipate seeing you, I fantisize about us getting even closer, your hands on mine, your lips kissing mine. Then I am just dissapointed that nothing ever happens, and I am begining to become worried that it will never happen and I am just wasting my time. Why should I kept this going when it seems like I am getting nowhere. You just can't understand that I am right in front of you, but maybe you just don't want me. Why can't you see that all I have ever wanted was you?

die
Posted on 2005.07.26 at 11:36
Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)"

Moonlight
You have moonlight eyes. Moonlight is the color of mystery. Your eyes symbolize your ability to see yourself as others see you. You have finesse for letting other people know what you think. You have a soothing and calming ability that you may or may not know about. You have the awesome ability to draw a person's negative energy out and replace it with a positive energy; the world needs more people like you. Some words to describe you: patient, self-controlled, perseverance, insightful, reflective, understanding, serene, and caring.

die

Lonely

Posted on 2005.07.20 at 22:37
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: sappy punk love songs
I spent this whole year wondering where my life was going. I spent many hours just wondering where I will end up in life. Who will I be with if I am with anybody, where will I live, what will I do? After Michael I just wanted to get over him. I wanted to be happy with someone else. I ended up getting with Geoff and all that shit just fell apart. I was alone for a while after that. I hated men so much after Geoff. I was just in that place where I felt like shit everyday, kinda like I do now. I felt like life wasn't worth living. I felt like I would be alone the rest of my life, doomed to being unhappy. Then when things started to get better, when I wasn't so cynical about men in general, I found myself in power of things I never thought I could control. Suddenly I was capable of being with any guy I wanted. I took this to my advantage, too much even. I found myself fooling around with 3 guys in one day. Who the hell knows why I did this to myself. I had the power and I was just taking it in. Geoff was one of the guys I was messing around with. The chemistry between Geoff and I has been different than any other person I have ever been with. So when we had sex one day, I kinda freaked out. I suddenly felt like shit, like I was such a whore. I blew everyone off except for David, who ended up just getting rid of me. When I was at camp, all I thought about was Geoff. I couldn't wait to get home to see him. I missed him more than anybody. I don't know why I would want to be with him again. He fucked up my world in so many ways. It still haunts me to this day. Sometimes I wonder what he thinks when people ask me about the cuts on my arm when he is around. He knows that those resulted from him. It was an act of pain that I could never get rid of. I still hate the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. I know that things between us are great most of the time, but sometimes I just want more. He is so close, but so far away. I can smell him two inches from me but I'm not allowed to touch, it drives me insane. I don't how I can get rid of this feeling all the time when I am with him. He probably doesn't want to ever be with me again. I don't know what to do sometimes. I can never talk to him. Thats one problem I have with him. We have never been able to talk about anything serious. It drives me insane to not know what is running through his head. I guess I'm just scared of what he might say. The one time I ever tried to talk to him he just shot me down and I felt so shitty and depressed that I never wanted to be open with anyone again. He just fucked my world up so bad. Why do I want to be with him so much?

die

Well...

Posted on 2005.07.18 at 10:12
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: sappy old love tunes on they radio
I talk to alot of people about life on a daily basis. I talk to them about their life actually. Its not like I don't have a life. Or that they never want to talk about it. I just try not to bring it up. If I were to describe my life in one word it would be confusing. In every aspect just confusing. I watch as Cassie and Jarod get closer and closer together, falling deeper in love. I used to know what that felt like, to just be hopelessly in love. Its a beautiful feeling. I just hope things work out better for them than they did for me. I mean, my life isn't bad. There is nothing horrible that is going on in my life. I just don't feel satisfied with everything. I want to be loved, and seeing Cassie and Jarod everyday just makes me even more envious. I haven't had that feeling of being wanted in a long time. I haven't had anyone to take my hand and show me they need me. Its just kind of depressing at times. There are people around. Guys who like me. But I don't know what their real intentions are. If they actually want to be with me, or if they just want some ass, or if its just harmless flirting. I can't seem to be loved. It makes me sad sometimes. I know that there will be someone someday. But at least I want some sort of decent relationship that doesn't fuck up my world in the end. I have no one these days. I have my friends, and if I didn't have them I wouldn't know what to do. But there is no one to be there next to me when I have to drive Cassie and Jarod around while they make out in my back seat. I guess I'm used to being lonely. I can deal with it. I can just pretend I am the only one in the car when I'm driving around and it doesn't seem that bad. I just wish that I was in the back of a car with someone I was madly in love with, so much that I couldn't keep my hands off of them. But I am in the drivers seat, constantly turning up the music to block out my own thoughts so I don't have to be in torment with my repetitive, confusing, loveless life.


die

Back Where I Started

Posted on 2005.07.10 at 11:26
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: radio
And here I am again. Stuck in the same place I was before. I have no one who will be with me and I am in that sad little place. I just try to think how things will be better in the future if I just believe they will be. After taking Jarod home last night we sat out on my car and talked for over an hour. We just talked about life. It was this long deep conversation that just made me think a whole bunch about my life. About how I am so cynical about men nowadays that I just don't even want to be with anyone because I am afraid I am going to get fucked over again. Thats just what happens, I get with someone I might like and just end up getting fucked over everytime. Nothing ever works out like I want it to. Jarod just told me to be patient, everyone will have their day, they will find someone one day. He said that he is going to be watching out for me to make sure I don't get into a bad relationship again. That makes me feel so good. He is like the brother I never had. My brothers were never there for me. Jarod is willing to kick anyones ass who hurts me. I'm so glad to have a friend like that. So he makes me hopeful for the future. Its a great feeling sometimes to know that I have such great friends.

die

I have every right to bitch

Posted on 2005.03.09 at 19:59
Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
Current Music: deftones
As things progress, nothing gets better. I had a great week I cannot deny that. We broke Kenyon and I had a great night with Chris last friday. But things just seem like they are in this fucking rut. I'm not accomplishing anything I want to accomplish. After talking to Chris on Monday and totally saying tons of shit about his girlfriend, I decided to dissapear. I can dissapear easily, one great thing about being insignificant I guess. Yesterday was easy because he wasn't at school. Today was easy too because I didn't have to go to class but I have no idea about tomorrow. I guess its weird for me to not talk to him, let him and debra "run their course", cuz I am used to talking to him everynight. Even now I got online just to see if he was on, but he's not. And I dont know if I can keep this promise to myself that I won't see him for at least a week. I just feel so much fucking rage about everything. I do like Chris alot, he knows it. He just says some fucked up things to me. He belives that he has to understand me, am I that complex? He always tells me that I should hate him and that I just complicate things for him. Sorry for being such a fucking bother Chris! Then he tells me that he does like me, and admits that he even likes me more than his own girlfriend. But no, he won't let her go, she's too fucking important. I really don't know why he did all that shit with Mariah, I am under the assumption that he never really liked her in the first place, she was just there. He told me that if me and him were still talking that we'd give it a shot when him and debra broke up. I really do like him but that just made me sick. It sounds like he is doing it just to make me happy, not to make him happy. He always tells me that he trys to be a good boyfriend, he's fucked up too many times to even be an ok boyfriend. Debra hates me. She has no reason to hate me but everytime I am near her she gives me these dirty fucking looks like she is gonna slit my throat or some shit. I don't say shit, I don't give her dirty looks, I just mind my own fucking business. It is so hard not to give into temptation and just fucking tell her everything that has happened with me and Chris. But I just try to tell myself I'm not that evil, I wouldn't do that to Chris. The shit I do for that boy, god damn. And what the hell does he ever do for me? nothing! Maybe I am just wasting my time. Is is worth it? Maybe I should just give up on him, its fucking tiring the things I do. My life is really going no where right now, and nothing I can do will change that. I am so fucking depressed with everything. I just smoke some pot and it all dissapears. And I smoke even more cigarettes knowing that each one is killing me slowly, I just don't fucking care. My mind is getting tired, I don't want to do this anymore. I just figured that if I tried hard enough, things might get easier. But no, things just keep getting harder and I'm bout ready to give up. FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!! I CAN'T FUCKING STAND ALL THIS!!!!! I'M DONE!!!!!! i'm gonna go smoke more......

die

To You

Posted on 2005.02.03 at 19:48
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: slipknot
To you my dear,

This is a letter describing everything I'm to afraid to even tell myself. My heart is dying. The only thoughts in my head are ones that will only provoke it to die faster. How could I ever tell you how you turn me into someone else everytime you are near me. Every time I see your face I want die right there on the floor. Because I know you can never love me like I love you. You will tell me you love me but I don't think you even know how much I love you. You connect with me so much and I don't know how you can't see it. Maybe you just confuse it with something else. You are so preoccupied with everything and everyone else that you don't even see me anymore. I'm right there telling you with my eyes how I feel about you and you just look the other way. I believe that everything you do is beautiful. You have an aura about you that you give off without shame. You fight for what you know is right and never give up on something you are passionate about. You give hope to people you don't even know. You can look beyond a person's interior and see the beauty in them. To you everyone is beautiful, and you wish you could love them all. But saying you love someone will never have any meaning to it as long as you say it to everyone you find beautiful. The truth is, you have only loved a few special people. I don't believe that you have ever been given the love you deserve, especially from the ones that you have loved with all your heart. But I will always love you. I don't think there is a single thing you can do that will ever make me love you any less. If only you could see me. I feel so empty when I'm not around you and always wanting more when I am. But you can't see that, you just see everyone else that seems to bat an eyelash at you. *sigh* I don't know what more I could say to you to make you believe me when I say I love you. There is no bullshit in that declaration. I try not to say I love someone unless I truly believe it myself within my heart. And I love you, as pure and simple as that. So good night my dear. Tomorrow everything will be the same and you will just look the other way, away from the only person who deserves you.

die

Missing person

Posted on 2005.01.03 at 20:03
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Maroon 5
Today was okay I guess. Bad news at the cute dog's house though. Apparently this neighbor of his had taken photos of him giving us cigarettes and sent the pix to his house. He is going to court at the end of this month, so until everything goes okay in court, we shouldn't come over. I know it isn't some ploy to get us to leave because he looked disapointed and he has the hots for Tiff(figures).

I didn't get to see Cassie after school. I called her house at like 4 and her mom said she wasn't home yet. So I was sad about that. I got to sit at the Youth Center with Tiff and watch Geoff hit on this chick I know. It was actually kinda funny. Both me and TIff notice that since me and Geoff broke up, all these chicks have been hitting on him. Tiff thinks its because I told everyone that he has a big dick, funny shit.

The best part of the whole day just happened. Andrew(Geoff's brother) called me. He asked me if I've seen Geoff lately. I told him I left the youth center at like 5:30 and he was still there, and its 8:00. He asked if I knew were he went after that. I told him I had no idea where he might be. I bet the only reason Andrew called me was because there are alot of rumors going around that I want Geoff dead, only one of which I started. He told me today that 5 people told him that if he went snowboarding with me, I'd push him off the ski-lift. Sounds kinda funny, I just shove him off....lol But none of it is true. And the whole 5-inch nail thing is just a joke, I hope he realizes that. I told my mom why An-Jew was calling and she kinda looked at me funny and claimed that I did have alot of dirt on my shoes and her shovel went missing. I'm just gonna laugh when he doesn't show up to school tomorrow and everyone thinks its my fault.

die

waiting for tomorrow

Posted on 2005.01.02 at 20:11
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Current Music: outkast
Well, its been a very long 2 weeks. School starts again tomorrow. Cassie called me yesterday and said she is going to miss the first day of school, but I will probably see her after school tomorrow, so that makes me happy. It will be nice to actually do something during the day. Things will still stay the way they are at home though. Chris and Scott were supposed to leave today but their car broke a couple days ago. They now plan on leaving on Friday.

I don't know if I'll be able to wake up early enough to go to school tomorrow. Although I did get 12 hours of sleep every night the first week of break, I have been going to bed midnight or later the past week. I tried to go to bed earlier last night but ended up falling asleep at 12. I will need some serious coffee tomorrow.

As for new years resolutions these are some ideas:
*get a job
*get a car
*get good grades
*try new things
*take more risks

The last two are more recent ideas. Today I bought hair dye at the store, blonde hair dye. I figured why not try something new. The problem was, my hair was too dark. After 5 boxes of dye(2 the first time, 3 the second) my hair is still brown, but my roots are pretty blonde from where my natural color was. My hair is gonna be blonde within the next week, hopefully.

Another thing that goes with the last two resolutions, I think I might go for Robert. I had been debating about it. He isn't really my type. But I'll try something new and take a risk, if it doesn't work out, who cares, worse could happen.


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